


It'll be Okay

by IsaacTheGreat69



Series: Abusive Anxeit [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Introspection, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 09:23:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15927503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaacTheGreat69/pseuds/IsaacTheGreat69
Summary: Virgil reflects on some thoughts and feelings while he hangs out with Patton and Roman





	It'll be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially just a filler for now - something I thought of in my nutrition class and had to write out. As they say, a series is only as good as its fillers, so I hope this is okay! I’m taking this chance to explore more introspective, emotional aspects. Should be making more plot-substantial works soon.

Virgil sat on the couch, close to Patton but not quite touching. Roman sat on the carpet, back against Virgil’s legs. Virgil was glad for the solidity provided by Roman’s back pressing his legs into the couch, and even though he never outwardly said anything, he had a feeling Roman already knew. When the two of them had first gotten to know each other (after Virgil had shared his story), Roman had confided in Virgil his own past troubles with a less-than-pleasant ex, and the two held an understanding Virgil didn’t even share with his best friend. 

Virgil could tell Patton was reluctant to touch him (one too many panic attacks caused by someone approaching him from behind had put an end to Patton’s surprise hugs), but he wasn’t completely adverse to touch, and Roman understood his need for it. How it defined his validity. So Roman wasn’t afraid to get in Virgil’s space and touch him - with permission of course. 

The three of them were watching Finding Nemo (Patton’s idea) and a bowl of half-eaten popcorn separated the two best friends. Patton was completely absorbed in the movie, and Roman was distractedly playing with the purple laces of Virgil’s vans, only half paying attention to the movie. Virgil was glad the two of his friends got along so well (he supposed he should say three - Logan  _was_ his friend after all); it meant he didn’t have to worry about disagreements or tension. Dee hadn’t liked any of his friends - he barely liked Patton, though the other didn’t know that. Of course, Virgil wasn’t dating either of them, but in his opinion that made it more important for them to get along. They were all he had.

Thinking about Dee and how easily all of this could fall apart had Virgil tense. Roman could feel it in the way Virgil’s calves stiffened behind him, and he rubbed Virgil’s ankle comfortingly. Virgil took a slow, steady breath to ground himself, relaxing and thanking the Powers That Be for bringing Roman into his life. He loved Patton, really, but Patton never understood things like this; how seemingly mundane moments could remind him of darker times, how giving Virgil his space made him feel disgusting and wrong and rotten even though Virgil knew that wasn’t the reasoning behind his actions. 

Virgil felt like Patton was babying him a lot, honestly. He felt like Patton didn’t trust him like he used to, and that... really hurt. It was for a lot of small reasons, of course. All stuff Virgil felt a little ridiculous for anyways, but Roman always reassured him they were legitimate. One of the things that bothered him the most was a few months ago when Virgil had introduced them to Roman and Patton hadn’t trusted Roman’s validity until Logan said he knew the other. It made Virgil feel like Patton didn’t trust him, that his opinions and his judgement weren’t good or didn’t matter. Of course, Virgil knew Patton wouldn’t ever say that, didn’t mean it that way, but he’d been told for years that he was useless, that his opinions didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter unless someone loved him. 

So when Patton acted like Virgil’s judgement didn’t matter and that he couldn’t think for himself, as horrible as it sounded, he felt like he was reliving his relationship with Dee. Virgil had cried when he admitted that to Roman, because he felt like such a horrible friend comparing Patton to Dee, but Roman told him his feelings were valid, that he can feel however he needs to feel, and that just because he thinks like this doesn’t always mean he’s right. Which is  _okay_. Roman, in one of his more serious moments, told Virgil that in times like that he needed to take a look at  _why_ he was feeling those things - where the feeling was coming from - rather than focusing on the  _who_. 

That’s what Virgil did. He watched Nemo in the Dentist's fish tank and he thought about why he felt the way he did. When he was with Dee, all of his ideas and plans had to be run by the other. He never really left the house without Dee, and the times he did was only to do small things like grab coffee with Patton. He didn’t have much independence, or leeway, or... anything. And when he came to live with Patton the sudden unencumbered freedom was like being dunked in ice water. He had been so tense and cautious for the longest time, and it took a while to get used to the new lifestyle. Which isn’t to say he doesn’t have nightmares or anxiety attacks, but he (usually) isn’t tense and jittery with paranoia. 

And just when he’d gotten used to being treated like his own person, like a valid adult who had his own life and opinions and freedoms and choices, Patton had gone and taken back his trust in Virgil. Virgil...  _guessed_ he understood where Patton was coming from? In a way? But for the one person he trusted more than anything to doubt him and question him when he never had before... it hurt. But he knew Patton would never mean to hurt him, and if he knew, he’d probably burst into tears and apologize until he was blue in the face. 

Patton wasn’t like Dee. At all. He didn’t make Virgil feel guilty for doing or saying something, he didn’t get mad over small mistakes, he never got angry at Virgil for having an anxiety attack. He was kind and understanding and supportive. His smile was the brightest thing he’d ever seen, and always made him feel warm. When Patton frowned or cried, Virgil felt the physical need to help him, to make him happy again. And Virgil wanted Patton to be happy, no matter what that meant for their friendship. When Patton smiled  _because of him_? Well Virgil felt like he could fly right into the sky and never come down. When Patton got excited, he got excited for Patton. When Patton was hurt, Virgil felt protective, and angry at whatever/whoever hurt Patton. 

Virgil glanced over at his friend, slowly taking in his appearance. His eyes shone brightly and he had an excited smile plastered on his face. He was leaning forward a little, his arms resting on his thighs and his fists clenched in anticipation. Virgil smiled slightly at that; Patton was so cute. 

That thought had Virgil recoiling mentally. Wait, cute? Where did that come from? Virgil looked at his hands, nails bitten down and torn in a horrible habit he hasn’t been able to kick. Did he really think Patton was cute? ....Sure, yeah, objectively. He looks at Patton, at his lashes that were just shy of brushing against the lenses of his glasses, and his nose that sloped up just a bit toward the tip. His lips looked soft, and Virgil wondered what it’d be like to kiss them.

He starts, blinking as his chest filled with dread. 

_Oh no._

He shoots up to his feet, kicking Roman in the process, and darts off to his room. Patton pauses the movie and calls after Virgil, concern lacing his voice, but when Virgil’s door slams shut his frown only deepens. He starts to get up, but Roman shoots to his feet. “Don’t worry Padre, I got it.” Patton glances toward the hall, “Are you sure?” Roman smiles and nods. “Yeah, I am. I’ll be right back.”

Roman turns and heads down the short hallway to Virgil’s door, gently trying it to find it locked, and knocks softly. “Virge? Hey, come on, let me in. How am I supposed to sweep the prince off his feet if he’s locked away?” Roman leans on the door a bit, listening for movement. After a moment there’s movement from inside and the sound of the lock turning is Virgil’s way of telling Roman to come in. Roman smiles and opens the door just as something - Virgil - moves back onto the bed, collecting into a mass of black fabric. Roman looks around the modest room, purple walls only interrupted by a desk, a sparsely-occupied book case, and a couple band posters. 

Virgil’s sniffling brings Roman’s attention back to the bed, and Roman moves slowly to sit on the edge of the mattress. Virgil doesn’t typically like people on his bed (surprise, surprise), but this was fine. Roman hums in thought before speaking quietly so he doesn’t startle Virgil. “What’s up? Bad Day?” Bad Day was their way of telling each other when they were getting caught up in thoughts of the past, in case they were within range of prying ears. 

Virgil shakes his head and sits up slowly. A pang goes through Roman’s heart at the sight of black lines down Virgil’s cheeks, his tears smearing his eyeshadow. Roman scoots closer, reassured when Virgil doesn’t move away. “What’s wrong, Little Stormcloud?” Virgil sniffles and more tears drip down his cheeks. His voice is weak when he finally answers. “I love Patton.” 

At first, Roman’s confused. Why was that a bad thing? Patton was great, everyone loved him. Then he took in Virgil’s appearance, and his reaction to this apparent revelation, and it finally sunk in. “...Oh.” Virgil’s face scrunches up and he launches himself forward. Roman takes Virgil into his arms as the other starts crying anew, not even caring that he was getting black eyeshadow on his Be More Chill shirt. This was far more important. Roman pet Virgil’s hair, his other arm holding his friend close. “It’s okay Virge. It’ll be okay.” Virgil shakes his head, shaking slightly with sobs.

“H-he’s never gonna love m-me back, R-Ro.”

Roman’s heart physically hurt with how sad Virgil sounded. He wished he could say Virgil was full of it, that this was just the abuse talking, but even he had seen the way Patton and Logan were around each other. He pursed his lips, pressing his nose into Virgil’s hair a moment before speaking. “He could someday. You’re amazing Virgil. Really. You guys would be lucky to have each other. And even if he doesn’t, I know you’ll find someone amazing someday.”

“B-but how? I-I’m so fucked u-up. I’m b-broken. Used g-goods that weren't e-even that good to b-begin with.” Okay, this Roman could handle. He sighs quietly and flicks the back of Virgil’s head. “What’s that thing Patton says.... Oh yeah. I will physically fight you, young man. Seriously, though, none of that is true. You’re an amazing, beautiful, kind and loving person. You’re incredibly special, and perfect in your own right. Whoever can’t see that doesn’t deserve to lick the dirt off your shoes.” Virgil’s shoulders shake with soft laughter, and Roman relaxes a little. The two sit in silence for a while, neither feeling the pressure to force conversation or move from their spots. 

After easily twenty minutes, Virgil says something. “It hurts, Roman.”

Roman smiles sadly and pets Virgil’s purple fringe out of his face. “I know. It’ll be okay, though.”


End file.
